There are over 900,000 divorces in America each year.
We need a science that deals with better relationships.
Research shows that greater friendships and love relationships lead to “Greater Health”, “Greater Wealth”, “Greater Resilience”, “Faster Recovery from illness”, “Greater Longevity” and “More successful children”.
In the film Sleepless in Seattle the question to sam, “Sam, tell me what so special about your wife” ? Sam's Response “Well, how long is your program? Oh well, it was a million tiny little things. We were supposed to be together and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known. It was just taking her hand to help her out of the car, and you know it was like magic”.
Can Science really help find the magic of love?
Our research looked at how to improve relationships.
Our research found 90% success rate in predicting divorce or stability and happiness. This research followed couples across 20 years.
The way the conversation starts in the first three minutes predicts the success rate. Is the conversation more positive or negative?
Like the Roach hotel. Once you check in you cannot check out. Do the negative emotions loop back on itself? Our research found that a stable relationship needed more than a balanced approach of positive and negative emotions. Not 1 to 1. Rather the research found that stable relationships needed 5 to 1. Five times as much humour, connection, affection, positive comments, interest in one another rather than hostility, anger and negativity. Happy stable relationships needed more positive emotions and interactions. 5 to 1. This is an index.
How do we change this index?
The magic required three things. Commitment, trust and calm.Couples who are calm physiologically. Couples whose heart rates was lower, who were not sweaty with one another, they were not hostile. Couples that were gentle with one another and reassured one another. This is important because when people are calm, they can be more empathetic. Whilst if a person is flooded, they are more likely to be in attack or defend mode.
Trust can be measured. A trusting relationship leads to intimacy and great sex. A distrusting relationship leads to loneliness. The major reason people have affairs, is not desire but is because people are lonely.
Mutual trust is where both partners maximize benefits of both people. Asking the question, “how does my partner see things?” People who develop mutual trust are able to develop and see from the others perspective. Couples with trust are think about both partners.
Commitment comes where you nurture gratitude in what you have. Saying “I am so lucky to have this other person in my life”. In relationships there is a key turning point which leads to loyalty. However, betrayal comes when we turn and make negative comparisons between your partner or real or imagined alternatives. Betrayal leads to disillusionment whilst commitment leads to loyalty. When both partners have the sense of commitment, you have that safe place.
With these three variables commitment, trust and calmness we can predict the success of the mathematics of love. This helps us understand the dynamics of the nature of love.