One of the truly great biographies, is Peter Brown’s Augustine of Hippo: A Biography (London: Faber & Faber, 1967). Chapter 15 begins: “A decade elapsed between Augustine’s first works after his conversion and the writing of his best-known masterpiece, the Confessions. In this decade, Augustine moved imperceptibly into a new world” (146). The chapter is entitled, “The Lost Future”. Brown notes that Augustine had thought of himself as becoming “a sapiens, a wise man, living a life of contemplation, determined ‘to grow godlike’ in (his) retirement”. During those years following his conversion in 386, Augustine became increasingly aware of a fundamental truth. Brown quotes him: “Whoever thinks that in this mortal life a man may so disperse the mists of bodily and carnal imaginings as to possess the unclouded light of changeless truth, and to cleave to it with the unswerving constancy of a spirit wholly estranged from the common ways of life – he understands neither What he seeks, nor who he is who seeks it' (147). Brown reflects: “A new image will make its appearance: that of a long highway …. The moments of clear vision of truth that the mind gains in this life, are of infinite value; but they are now the consolations of a traveller on a long journey” (152).
In today’s Gospel – John 6:24-35 – we are told that the people are “looking for Jesus”. What do they want? What do they expect? Jesus says to them: “You are looking for me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves”. Still, they do not understand what he is pointing out to them. So they ask for a program, a sort of moral schedule that will ensure that they will be able to please God: “What must we do to perform the works of God?”
The people are unaware of their own deepest need, what they really want. They are also unaware of what is on offer in Jesus. Their most fundamental desire and what Jesus is offering, go together. He is what they want. Recall that moment recorded near the beginning of John’s Gospel when the two disciples of John the Baptist walk after Jesus. “Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, ‘What are you looking for?’ They said to him, ‘Rabbi’ (which translated means Teacher), ‘where are you staying?’ He said to them, ‘Come and see’. They came and saw where he was staying, and they remained with him that day” (1:38-39). The English words “staying” and “remained” translate the Greek verb meno. That word may also be translated as “abide” or “make your home”. John develops it more fully in the parable of the vine – see 15:1-11. The disciples will come to know that discipleship is a journey, a learning to “remain” with him, to “abide” in his love.
Life never turns out as we expect it. The “lost future” can be one of life’s most precious – if painful – gifts. It can make available a deepening awareness of what it is we want – what we really want. Let Augustine’s words find a place in your heart: “Not to be more certain of You, but to be more steadfast in You” (St Augustine, Confessions, Bk 8, 1:1).
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