Julie and John Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute and the Love Lab, have dedicated their lives to studying relationships. Their research reveals that fighting, when done correctly, is beneficial for relationships. They observed that nearly all couples fight, and how they fight in the first three minutes can predict the outcome of their relationship years later. Their studies, involving 3,000 couples over several decades, showed that the style of fighting—whether conflict avoidant, validating, or volatile—was less important than maintaining a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of at least five to one.
The Gottmans identified four major negative behaviors, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, that predict relationship demise: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They also highlighted the importance of managing physiological responses during conflict, like flooding, where one feels overwhelmed and unable to think clearly. They recommend taking breaks and self-soothing before resuming difficult conversations to avoid these negative outcomes.
Their research also revealed that 69 percent of conflicts in relationships are perpetual and can't be fully resolved, meaning that couples need to learn how to manage rather than solve these issues. Successful couples focus on understanding each other rather than winning arguments, delving into each other's underlying dreams, values, and histories during conflicts.
One key tool they developed is the 'dreams within conflict' conversation, where couples ask each other specific questions designed to uncover deeper motivations behind their positions. This approach helped many couples, including those with longstanding disagreements, to reach new levels of understanding and compromise.
The Gottmans emphasize that fighting to understand rather than to win can transform not only individual relationships but also broader societal conflicts. By applying these science-based tools, they believe it’s possible to create a more loving and peaceful world, one relationship at a time. Their work underscores the importance of learning how to fight right to build strong, resilient relationships that contribute to a healthier society.
Journal and reflect on the following questions
How does the way we approach conflict in our relationships affect the long-term health of those relationships?
What are some strategies we can use to ensure a positive-to-negative interaction ratio during conflicts?
How can understanding our partner’s underlying dreams and values help resolve perpetual conflicts in our relationships?
What steps can we take to avoid the negative behaviors identified by the Gottmans, such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling?
How might the 'dreams within conflict' conversation be applied to other areas of life, such as workplace disagreements or broader societal conflicts?
In what ways can learning to 'fight right' contribute to building a more loving and peaceful community or society?
What personal changes can you make to shift from a mindset of winning arguments to one of seeking mutual understanding in your relationships?
Song - H.E.R. - Hold Us Together
Final Prayer
Loving God, we come before You seeking Your guidance in our relationships. Teach us to fight not to win, but to understand and love more deeply. Help us to replace criticism with kindness, contempt with respect, defensiveness with openness, and stonewalling with connection. Grant us the wisdom to manage our conflicts with grace, the patience to listen with our hearts, and the courage to face our differences with humility. May our words be filled with Your peace, and may our actions reflect the love You have shown us, so that our relationships may be strengthened and our homes become havens of Your grace. Amen.
