On Friday night, I took my youngest son to soccer training. It was the middle of winter, and it had been raining throughout the day. Despite the cold and wet conditions, the coach wanted to proceed with the training. It would have been much easier to stay at home, rugged up in front of the TV. Some parents messaged, saying they would not be coming. The game scheduled for the next day, Saturday, had been cancelled, which only fueled the desire to skip training.
What does this teach our children? When things are difficult, how do we respond? Do we run away? We unknowingly shape the future of our children with these decisions. Research by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in the Stages of Change Model highlights that encountering resistance and moving through it is essential for behaviour change. Prochaska and DiClemente state, “Change is a process that unfolds over time through a sequence of stages. Individuals typically move through a series of stages—precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance” (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983).
Soon, the coach pulled all the dads in to play soccer. In the cold and wet, we played. It was difficult, but once we entered the game, we forgot about some of the discomforts. We had a new focus: playing soccer, working together. We were no longer focused on ourselves or what would be easy; we were focused on something more.
When we face challenges, we often go through initial stages of shock and resistance. Research by Angela Duckworth on grit demonstrates that perseverance and passion for long-term goals are critical to overcoming challenges. Duckworth notes, “Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years” (Duckworth et al., 2007). We often don’t want to engage in things that seem uncomfortable. However, if parents insist that their children go to soccer, we might enter the second stage of anger. But given time, or by fully engaging in the moment, our emotions change. We begin to accept the difficulty. We step into hard spaces. Our perspectives change, our feelings change, and our barriers and walls of resistance come down. Acceptance and change eventually lead to commitment.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), as researched by Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, shows that challenging and changing negative thought patterns can significantly impact behavior and emotional responses. Beck explains, “The way individuals perceive a situation is more closely connected to their reaction than the situation itself. Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps individuals to challenge and change negative automatic thoughts” (Beck, 2011). By pushing through initial resistance, we adapt and find new strengths. We discover new possibilities, revealing that we have more within us than what was initially seen. We grow, not just in playing soccer, but in how we approach life.
Through the stages of shock, anger, change, acceptance, commitment, and discovery, we find new paths to growth. This is mirrored in Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman's work on stress and coping, which explains how effective coping strategies can transform our responses to stressors. They note, “Coping is defined as constantly changing cognitive and behavioural efforts to manage specific external and/or internal demands that are appraised as taxing or exceeding the resources of the person” (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984).
By the end of the soccer training on that cold, wet Friday night, we left with more than just a sense of accomplishment from the game. We had wet feet and were all sweating but together we had navigated through the stages of shock, anger, change, acceptance, commitment, and discovery—emotional processes that Prochaska and DiClemente describe as essential for successful behaviour change (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983). Initially, the shock of the weather and the anger at having to face it could have driven us to avoid the challenge altogether. Yet, by committing to the experience, we shifted our focus from personal discomfort to collective engagement.
This process mirrored Duckworth’s concept of grit, where perseverance and passion are crucial for overcoming long-term challenges (Duckworth et al., 2007). As we moved past resistance and embraced the difficulty, we discovered that the act of facing adversity together fostered a deeper connection among us. The challenges we encountered transformed into opportunities for growth, demonstrating that accepting and working through hardship can lead to new possibilities.
Beck’s insights into cognitive-behavioural therapy suggest that our perceptions of challenges are pivotal in shaping our responses, showing that our initial resistance can be overcome through strategic effort (Beck, 2011). In this light, our soccer training became more than just a physical activity; it became a metaphor for handling life's obstacles with resilience and a willingness to embrace change.
As Lazarus and Folkman note, effective coping involves adapting to stress and recognizing new paths for growth (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). The night’s experience underscored that real growth often emerges from our ability to persist through discomfort and to find connection and meaning in the struggle. By engaging with the challenge instead of avoiding it, we not only developed a renewed sense of camaraderie but also a readiness to face future difficulties with a more mature perspective.
In the end, the lesson from that Friday night training session is clear: growing up means taking responsibility for facing and overcoming difficulties. It is through the full emotional cycle of shock, anger, change, acceptance, and commitment that we find new possibilities for growth and connection. This experience is a powerful reminder that embracing challenges, rather than shying away from them, cultivates resilience and fosters a more profound sense of shared purpose and personal development.
References
Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages of Change Model. Retrieved from ResearchGate.
Duckworth, A. L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M. D., & Kelly, D. R. (2007). Grit: Perseverance and Passion for Long-Term Goals. Retrieved from UPenn.
Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Retrieved from APA PsycNet.
Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Retrieved from APA PsycNet.
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